Defining Fitness Tools for Strength Training… Now before you read this, you need to know I love kettlebells, barbells, dumbbells, what ever you choose to use to get stronger. Hell, I have even found a soft spot for Crossfit. Each has it’s purpose based on what outcome you are looking for. So this blog is meant to be funny. I will be attacking everything..If you are easily offended or drink the kool-aid of anything just hit the back button. If you are in the Fitness field you should get it….
So what are the things that come to mind when I see these tools and exercises….
TRX: Wow So you can do 5000 exercises with it and still can’t do a pullup. Cool.
Kettlebells: Awesome, but how much can you deadlift? And you do know there are things called barbells, and you can lift more than 106lbs… Just checking
TRX Rip Cord: Wow you can do a lot without getting better at anything. How about you lift some weights. Just a thought.
Sandbags: That was a cool exercise, now can you get a vacuum cleaner and clean all that shit off my floor..
Slosh Pipe (PVC filled with water): That was so much fun, now find a corner to put that in for the next 6 months before we use it again.
Sleds: This could be the most abusive and co-dependent relationship I have ever been a part of but I love you.
Tires: A great way to make your gym tough even though most people are too weak to flip it
Ropes: Oh shit we have a few minutes left in class what should we do now?? OH wait.
Met Con: No, I have no reason why you are tired all the time and wiped out. Oh, this is your 8th workout this week, you need your exercise crack, go right ahead.
Olympic Lifting: Thank God for Crossfit or no one would know what the F$&k it is.
Powerlifting: I thought ammonia was to clean windows with… Carry on.
Strong Man(lite): Weight classes, Weight classes, WTF? Who wants to watch people carry mediocre shit. F U Crossfit thanks for screwing up this sport with Fitness.
RKC: A moment of Silence Please….
Crossfit: Holy Shit did he just lift 95lbs like a bazillion times… Why did he do that again?
Strong First: Entry Level Strong since 2012
The Perform Better Crew: If I have to read another blog or listen to a seminar that you have ripped off from one other and just recirculated I will kill a kitten.
SPP V.S. GPP: If a trainer mentions these two things to you, politely gather your things and leave.
NSCA: Established 1978 and not much has changed since then.
ACE: Making aerobics instructors personal trainers for over 3 decades
ACSM: Could you make Fitness anymore F(*&ing boring, Seriously.
NASM: Everyone is special(ist)
Z-Health: You know there are things called weights and you actually can lift them, I promise you won’t get too strong. Pinky swear.
FMS: Dude you took a weekend course, and you have used the words asymmetry, stable, and mobile 10 times in the last 3 minutes and I am pretty sure you don’t know the difference between each.
Fish Oil: You still feel inflamed after downing half a bottle? Headline, it won’t fix a stupid training program.